Growing up, I really hated my Mom. As awful as it sounds, it's unfortunately true. I viewed her as a supremely unhappy person; a woman who had the opportunity to have an independent and exciting life, but chose to get married and be a SAHM. All I could see was someone who gave up on her life. It never once occurred to me the feelings that she had for us. Even though she was unhappy with certain aspects of her life, that didn't necessarily translate into her feelings toward us. On my end, all I could see was a woman that had no life. Therefore, for many years I didn't want to have children. I had this notion that if I did, I'd lose myself.
Once I hit my thirties, though, I had a change of heart. Since I truly love my husband, I thought it would be totally wrong NOT to have a family. My mom is a different person; I wouldn't give up all the things that she did. Throughout my pregnancy I insisted I'd be back at work within six weeks of her birth . . . and then she was born. The kid wouldn't breastfeed; she lost too much weight after birth, and we struggled to have her put the weight on. Then, at 2 1/2 weeks came the colic. Now, I freely admit that it was a textbook case, and ended six weeks later, but the person was utterly miserable most of the day during that time. Simultaneously she was breastfeeding - or not breastfeeding - and barely gaining weight. Those six weeks turned into two months, and into six months, and into today. And I sit here crying because she's asleep and I miss her.
Life is so short. Your children are only little once, and you never know what tomorrow may bring. I sit here on the couch, and look all around my house and see her, and am constantly reminded of how every moment counts. She'll never be a "Chunk Monk" again. She'll never be curled up asleep in a posed picture again.
Growing up I couldn't separate the destination from the journey. I couldn't see my mom as someone who was travelling along with us. After the past 21 months I can see that this Little Person has given me more that I could ever have imagined. I've seen her hug her BFF, try so hard to count along with Jake, and even call me Mommy for the first time. And I don't feel in the least bit that I've lost an ounce of myself or given any part of myself up that didn't become fulfilled in some other fashion. We all have the power to control our own destiny. The choices that we make in life shape who we are and our futures. I'll never get the last 21 months back. And I wouldn't have it any other way - it's once in a lifetime.
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